An event like no other, Matthew Miranda guides you through the yearly tradition of the most celebratory moment of the Knicks’ draft lottery being when they don’t move down, because we all kinda knew they weren’t gonna move up.

My first lottery diary was back in 2015. Since then, what was a yearly event has become an annual tradition. The Knicks took a brief hiatus from Ping Pong Alley last season, but are back where we’re familiar with them: bad enough to be among the worst, yet nowhere near bad enough to have odds at a high pick. You know how the evening turned out. But what use is the explanation without understanding the journey? Here we go.

8:01

The lottery broadcast has literally just begun and Malika Andrews of ESPN is already bragging about the “star power” present as she notes Damian Lillard’s presence, and I’m already throwing up in my mouth a little. A year ago Dame was a long-shot dream for Knicks fans who thought he might help take them up a notch. Now we’re talking about Jalen Brunson and Tyus Jones. I just threw up a little more.

8:02

Why are the top prospects attending the lottery? They’re not going to say anything interesting, particularly when they’re asked questions like “What will make you special in the NBA?” Plus for me, and I know a lot of people don’t feel this way, I find it reprehensible that we’ve gone from young people with no employee agency being interviewed at the draft like what’s going on that night isn’t all sorts of fucked up to young people without agency being present at the event that sets it all in motion. The only way televising the lottery can be morally justifiable is if we invite and accept the players’ sincere reactions, which we never will because sports fans can’t get past feeling ownership of these people. If Chet Holmgren were like “Florida seems like hell on Earth. Orlando, stay the hell away from me,” I might watch. Props to the Steve Francises and Zach LaVines of the world for keeping it real.

8:03 

They’re breaking down the Lakers’ pick going to either Memphis or New Orleans. I realized kinda to my surprise that the team I’ve rooted against the most consistently in my life isn’t the Celtics or the Bulls or the Heat. I rooted for Boston against LeBron’s Miami teams, rooted for the Bulls against Miami and Chicago in the playoffs, even rooted for Miami in the bubble Finals against the Lakers (I like upsets, and I like Jimmy Butler). The one and only time I’ve ever rooted for the Lakers was in 2002 when they beat the then-New Jersey Nets in the Finals. In the most detached way possible, I am very much enjoying their degradation.

8:05 

Kendrick Perkins just spent 30 seconds laboriously noting what he apparently thinks is a slippery concept: that the Rockets, having drafted a talented guard last year, should look for a talented big man this time. Listening to Perkins is like listening to paint dry. Why? Just why?

8:08

Mike Schmitz, after asking Holmgren, Jabari Smith and Paolo Banchero each one question, calls over Hall of Fame center David Robinson to join them. Robinson was seven feet tall when he played, sometimes even listed at 7-foot-1. Holmgren TOWERED over him. I’m inherently distrustful of the long-term prognosis for centers who weigh less than 200 pounds, but when you see David Robinson looking tiny, it makes a bit more sense.

8:11 

Someone pay me to write a 2,000 word think piece on why the Taco Bell “birthday breakfast in bed!” commercial is the crystallization of everything wrong with everything.

8:16 

They’re going around the dais acknowledging each team’s lottery representatives. Swin Cash-Canal is repping NO. Remember when she was a Knicks studio analyst on MSG? Swin was good. Far better than Wally.

8:16 

You ever see the great old musical Seven Brides for Seven Brothers? Damontas Sabonis, repping Sacramento, looks like one of those brothers.

8:18 

Fuck Ernst. Fuck Young, too.

8:18 

The countdown begins with Cleveland sticking at 14, the bottom of the lottery. Wouldn’t have minded the basketball gods rewarding them with a little luck for their progress this year. Then again, that would mean something good happening to Dan Gilbert. Suck it, Cavs.

8:18 

Panic rose suddenly like acid reflux as Mark Tatum began making the announcement for pic No. 12, where I’ve been terrified the Knicks would drop. Once they cleared that hurdle, there was 100% zero doubt they’d stick at 11. Some years I allow myself a brief moment of hope. I dare to dream. Not making that mistake again.

Also, if the Knicks had moved up, we would have had another insufferable lottery conspiracy to hear about. As Tatum revealed the Knicks were 11th, their card got stuck a bit to the sticker seal on the envelope. That didn’t happen with any other team. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it happen. If New York had moved up that would’ve been the frozen envelope all over again.

8:19 

Washington stays at 10th. Most of the mock drafts/draft simulators I’ve seen in the past week showed the Wizards jumping up to the top three. I’m feeling very crab-in-a-bucket joy at their lack of luck.

8:19 

The Pelicans get the Lakers pick at No. 8, their second lottery pick this year. LA’s pick comes courtesy the Anthony Davis trade. For all the nudniks like me loving the Lakers struggles of late, this night was yet more proof that they were right to make that trade and that a contender makes that move every time. The Pelicans are currently being lauded for finishing ninth in the West and losing in the first round. The Lakers are being excoriated (by their standards) and raked for falling short of that. Would the Lakers reverse the trade if they could? No chance. They won a title with AD; that’s the high-rollers table LA sits at. Would the Pelicans rather have AD than the eighth pick? Maybe. 

8:19 

A funny moment as Portland drops a spot, meaning Sacramento moves up one: as Lillard smiled bemusedly, the grin Sabonis flashed made the whole room laugh.

8:20 

There is, or used to be, a website called Beautiful Agony that featured people sharing videos of themselves orgasming. I find it captivating, affirming and wonderful. Watching lottery reps’ faces in fixed, stony blankness after their team fails to move up is not beautiful agony. I don’t envy them. You’re there because some rich jackass decided you’re good luck, and you’re clearly not. Mortifying. 

To sum up: the Knicks are 11th, which is absolutely a spot you can land an impact player (assuming they don’t move down… or up). Portland and Indiana dropped one spot each; Detroit, tied for the best odds to win the lottery, fell down to No. 5. Oklahoma City moved up a spot, Sacramento rose from No. 7 to No. 4, and Orlando won the top pick. From a Knick perspective, the Pistons and Pacers dropping feels like they caught a break, as was the case with the Wizards staying in place. We’ll see where it all leads. Keep an eye out for more Strickland draft profiles over the next six weeks.