Disrespectful Draft Comparisons: 2023 NBA Draft Edition
It’s that time of year again, for the most disrespectful (and in some cases, respectful!) of player comparisons for the NBA Draft. Welcome back to the roast, hosted by Prez.
You knew it was coming. The streets been whispering. The people been waiting. Unnamed draft writers been biting.
That’s right, children, it’s the tradition which is now – remarkably – in its fourth year. If my disrespectful comps pieces were a NBA hooper, they would have probably received a contract extension by now!
For those who are new here, these began as a two-part roast of the 2019 draft class where my Knicks were scheduled for a top-five pick, continued as a deranged close to the never-ending pandemic draft cycle of 2020, a roast of the late first rounders of 2021, and became fully unhinged (and viral, somehow!) for the 2022 class. The goal is to provide insight, levity, confusion, and chaos the likes of which draftniks on the internet have never seen. Unlike a lot of what I write, it’s not necessarily aimed towards just Knicks fans. It’s my happy love letter to the rest of the weirdos who love hypothesizing about the future of the NBA, regardless of what teams you root for.
With this 2023 draft containing unmatched talent atop the class as well as depth to boot, it is only right that this year we go bigger than last year. In 2022 we had a little over 15 disrespectful comps. For this class, we have almost 30!
I hope you enjoy it. Tell your friends. Tell your family. Tell your moms. Tell a hater. Enjoy with others. On that note let’s get into it!
FYI: Each bullet point, first to last, corresponds to a high-end outcome — a really good and unlikely career, a medium-level outcome (much more likely), and low-end outcome (unlucky, awful, disappointing, etc.).
Victor Wembanyama
High: King Groot Kevin Garnett
Medium: Beerus Boogie Cousins
Low: Mixtape Manute Bol
Scoot Henderson
High: Derrick Rose on the Cream and the Clear
Medium: Plus-defense Ja Morant, but the guns are metaphors for his muscles instead of actual guns
Low: Globo Gym John Wall
Brandon Miller
High: Cam Johnson x One of them spidery angels from Evangelion
Medium: If Danilo Gallinari had a normal back and spine
Low: Hood Ersan Ilyasova
Amen Thompson
High: Sun-Breathing Hoops Hashira
Medium: Who star-thirsty Knicks fans thought Dejounte Murray was
Low: Andre Twiguodala
Ausar Thompson
High: Chainsaw Man Scottie Barnes
Medium: Michael Myers (a great slasher) meets Ryan Gosling (a great driver) meets Luke Cage (a great defender)
Low: Puerto Rico League Tyreke Evans
Anthony Black
High: If Shaun Livingston didn’t explode his MCL, PCL, and ACL at the same time
Medium: Worse shot, worse touch, more battering ram Josh Giddey
Low: Gen Z Hair Greivis Vasquez
Kobe Bufkin
High: What Michigan fans thought Trey Burke would be
Medium: Brandon Knight before he got sent to the Negative Zone by Deandre Jordan
Low: Cory Joseph but from the other side of the Great Lakes
Cam Whitmore
High: If Danny Granger ate someone and became a Titan
Medium: Bagged-cereal brand Anthony Edwards
Low: Gerald Henderson without the Vegeta hairline
Taylor Hendricks
High: Non-denominational, normal ligaments Jon Isaac (h/t Tyler Wilson)
Medium: Better shooting John Collins without nightmare fuel hands (don’t google it)
Low: Everglades Chris Boucher
Brice Sensabaugh
High: Buffet Booker
Medium: Bubble Gawd TJ Warren
Low: Florida Man OJ Mayo
Gradey Dick
High: 3-6 Mafia era Memphis Mike Miller, but born into the right era for his skillset
Medium: A comet from planet Bogdanovic landed in Kansas with a baby
Low: Wonderwall Wayne Ellington
Jarace Walker
High: NBA Candace Parker. No disrespect, this one is ALL respect. Normalize smart WNBA comps for NBA players!
Medium: That super smart orca that keeps attacking boats, but a power forward
Low: Better passing, less intimidating David West
Sidy Cissoko
High: Josh Giddey but less Fosters, more baguettes
Medium: Josh Hart but less commentary on breast milk
Low: Josh Jackson. That’s it, just Josh Jackson
Leonard Miller
High: ‘’I’m kinda tall but i always had a lil handle and allat.” (If you know you know)
Medium: Less jacked and athletic Aaron Gordon who is not forced to deal with five years of Orlando pleading with him to please be a scorer
Low: Transracial Josh McRoberts
Kris Murray
High: Kage Bunshin no Jutsu clone Keegan Murray (helpful, but not as much as the real thing)
Medium: What Celtics fans think when they wistfully mention 2008 James Posey
Low: Yuta Wannabe
Jett Howard
High: Trust fund kid Buddy Hield
Medium: Nepo baby Terry Rozier, but half a foot taller
Low: Supreme brand Nik Stauskas
GG Jackson
High: Unsentient Khris Middleton
Mid: Balldontstop Jon Kuminga
Low: Puerto Rico League Boogie Cousins
Keyonte George
High: Toronto Kyle Lowry with the all the grifting knowledge of Miami Lowry
Medium: Davion Mitchell and Jared Butler give birth to a Baylor baby
Low: Respectful Bones Hyland (h/t Tyler Wilson again)
Cason Wallace
High: Hermès brand Marcus Smart
Medium: Tre and Tyus Jones’ long-lost third brother
Low: Blue-blood Pablo Prigioni
Jordan Hawkins
High: Blue crab Buddy Hield, with defense
Medium: Old Bay seasoning Seth Curry
Low: Chesapeake Bay Bellinelli
Dereck Lively
High: Kristaps Krzyzewski
Medium: Philly Boul Walker Kessler
Low: Cheesesteak Mo Bamba
Brandin Podziemski
High: If Action Bronson and Tyrese Haliburton did the fusion dance
Medium: D’Anglo-Saxon Russell (h/t Tyler Wilson)
Low: 2016 NBA Fantasy Leagues Tim Frazier
Max Lewis
High: Pre-scammer career Chandler Parsons
Medium: Slim-fit Morris Bro
Low: Shorter, non-Fortnite gamer Kevin Knox
Nick Smith Jr.
High: Jordan Poole before he got punched in the face, with better defense
Medium: What Tyler Herro sees when he looks in the mirror
Low: if Immanuel Quickley actually deserved the D+ draft day grade from CBS Sports
Dariq Whitehead
High: Bon Jovi Desmond Bane
Medium: BBall Royalty Alec Burks
Low: Jersey Club Music Jeremy Lamb
Jordan Walsh
High: Doc Ock tech experiments on Alex Caruso
Medium: Andre Roberson with the fresh baldy cut, hopefully a passable jump shot???
Low: Lightskin Frank Ntilikina
Jalen Hood-Schifino
High: CJ McCollum with no journalism skills but a little taller
Medium: Cross-tween-hesi questionable shot selection Derrick White, with a respectable hairline
Low: Shorter Big 3 Joe Johnson
