It’s that time of year again, for the most disrespectful (and in some cases, respectful!) of player comparisons for the NBA Draft. Welcome back to the roast, hosted by Prez.

You knew it was coming. The streets been whispering. The people been waiting. Unnamed draft writers been biting. 

That’s right, children, it’s the tradition which is now – remarkably – in its fourth year. If my disrespectful comps pieces were a NBA hooper, they would have probably received a contract extension by now! 

For those who are new here, these began as a two-part roast of the 2019 draft class where my Knicks were scheduled for a top-five pick, continued as a deranged close to the never-ending pandemic draft cycle of 2020, a roast of the late first rounders of 2021, and became fully unhinged (and viral, somehow!) for the 2022 class. The goal is to provide insight, levity, confusion, and chaos the likes of which draftniks on the internet have never seen. Unlike a lot of what I write, it’s not necessarily aimed towards just Knicks fans. It’s my happy love letter to the rest of the weirdos who love hypothesizing about the future of the NBA, regardless of what teams you root for. 

With this 2023 draft containing unmatched talent atop the class as well as depth to boot, it is only right that this year we go bigger than last year. In 2022 we had a little over 15 disrespectful comps. For this class, we have almost 30! 

I hope you enjoy it. Tell your friends. Tell your family. Tell your moms. Tell a hater. Enjoy with others. On that note let’s get into it!

FYI: Each bullet point, first to last, corresponds to a high-end outcome — a really good and unlikely career, a medium-level outcome (much more likely), and low-end outcome (unlucky, awful, disappointing, etc.).

Victor Wembanyama

• High: King Groot Kevin Garnett

• Medium: Beerus Boogie Cousins

• Low: Mixtape Manute Bol

Scoot Henderson

• High: Derrick Rose on the Cream and the Clear

• Medium: Plus-defense Ja Morant, but the guns are metaphors for his muscles instead of actual guns

• Low: Globo Gym John Wall  

Brandon Miller

• High: Cam Johnson x One of them spidery angels from Evangelion

• Medium: If Danilo Gallinari had a normal back and spine 

• Low: Hood Ersan Ilyasova

Amen Thompson

• High: Sun-Breathing Hoops Hashira 

• Medium: Who star-thirsty Knicks fans thought Dejounte Murray was

• Low: Andre Twiguodala

Ausar Thompson

• High: Chainsaw Man Scottie Barnes

• Medium: Michael Myers (a great slasher) meets Ryan Gosling (a great driver) meets Luke Cage (a great defender)

• Low: Puerto Rico League Tyreke Evans

Anthony Black

• High: If Shaun Livingston didn’t explode his MCL, PCL, and ACL at the same time

• Medium: Worse shot, worse touch, more battering ram Josh Giddey

• Low: Gen Z Hair Greivis Vasquez

Kobe Bufkin

• High: What Michigan fans thought Trey Burke would be 

• Medium: Brandon Knight before he got sent to the Negative Zone by Deandre Jordan

• Low: Cory Joseph but from the other side of the Great Lakes 

Cam Whitmore

• High: If Danny Granger ate someone and became a Titan

• Medium: Bagged-cereal brand Anthony Edwards

• Low: Gerald Henderson without the Vegeta hairline

Taylor Hendricks

• High: Non-denominational, normal ligaments Jon Isaac (h/t Tyler Wilson)

• Medium: Better shooting John Collins without nightmare fuel hands (don’t google it)

• Low: Everglades Chris Boucher

Brice Sensabaugh

• High: Buffet Booker

• Medium: Bubble Gawd TJ Warren

• Low: Florida Man OJ Mayo

Gradey Dick

• High: 3-6 Mafia era Memphis Mike Miller, but born into the right era for his skillset

• Medium: A comet from planet Bogdanovic landed in Kansas with a baby

• Low: Wonderwall Wayne Ellington

Jarace Walker

• High: NBA Candace Parker. No disrespect, this one is ALL respect. Normalize smart WNBA comps for NBA players! 

• Medium: That super smart orca that keeps attacking boats, but a power forward

• Low: Better passing, less intimidating David West

Sidy Cissoko

• High: Josh Giddey but less Fosters, more baguettes

• Medium: Josh Hart but less commentary on breast milk

• Low: Josh Jackson. That’s it, just Josh Jackson

Leonard Miller

• High: ‘’I’m kinda tall but i always had a lil handle and allat.” (If you know you know)

• Medium: Less jacked and athletic Aaron Gordon who is not forced to deal with five years of Orlando pleading with him to please be a scorer

• Low: Transracial Josh McRoberts

Kris Murray

• High: Kage Bunshin no Jutsu clone Keegan Murray (helpful, but not as much as the real thing)

• Medium: What Celtics fans think when they wistfully mention 2008 James Posey

• Low: Yuta Wannabe

Jett Howard

• High: Trust fund kid Buddy Hield

• Medium: Nepo baby Terry Rozier, but half a foot taller

• Low: Supreme brand Nik Stauskas

GG Jackson

• High: Unsentient Khris Middleton

• Mid: Balldontstop Jon Kuminga

• Low: Puerto Rico League Boogie Cousins

Keyonte George

• High: Toronto Kyle Lowry with the all the grifting knowledge of Miami Lowry

• Medium: Davion Mitchell and Jared Butler give birth to a Baylor baby

• Low: Respectful Bones Hyland (h/t Tyler Wilson again)

Cason Wallace

• High: Hermès brand Marcus Smart

• Medium: Tre and Tyus Jones’ long-lost third brother

• Low: Blue-blood Pablo Prigioni

Jordan Hawkins

• High: Blue crab Buddy Hield, with defense

• Medium: Old Bay seasoning Seth Curry

• Low: Chesapeake Bay Bellinelli 

Dereck Lively

• High: Kristaps Krzyzewski

• Medium: Philly Boul Walker Kessler

• Low: Cheesesteak Mo Bamba

Brandin Podziemski

• High: If Action Bronson and Tyrese Haliburton did the fusion dance

• Medium: D’Anglo-Saxon Russell (h/t Tyler Wilson)

• Low: 2016 NBA Fantasy Leagues Tim Frazier

Max Lewis

• High: Pre-scammer career Chandler Parsons

• Medium: Slim-fit Morris Bro

• Low: Shorter, non-Fortnite gamer Kevin Knox

Nick Smith Jr.

• High: Jordan Poole before he got punched in the face, with better defense

• Medium: What Tyler Herro sees when he looks in the mirror

• Low: if Immanuel Quickley actually deserved the D+ draft day grade from CBS Sports

Dariq Whitehead

• High: Bon Jovi Desmond Bane

• Medium: BBall Royalty Alec Burks 

• Low: Jersey Club Music Jeremy Lamb

Jordan Walsh

• High: Doc Ock tech experiments on Alex Caruso

• Medium: Andre Roberson with the fresh baldy cut, hopefully a passable jump shot???

• Low: Lightskin Frank Ntilikina

Jalen Hood-Schifino

• High: CJ McCollum with no journalism skills but a little taller

• Medium: Cross-tween-hesi questionable shot selection Derrick White, with a respectable hairline

• Low: Shorter Big 3 Joe Johnson