Prez’s Fifth Annual Disrespectful Draft Comparisons: 2024 NBA Draft Edition
The most magical season of all . . .
Good morning, dorks. It’s the most wonderful time of the year – welcome to the Fifth Annual (Jesus Christ!) Disrespectful Draft Comparisons.
My goal with these is always, above all else, to make dumb jokes while providing some back-of-the-napkin sales pitch insight into who different NBA prospects might become. However, unlike a lot of what I write, it’s not “just” for Knicks fans. It’s my happy love letter to the rest of you weirdos who love hypothesizing about the future of the NBA, regardless of which teams you root for. For y’all who every year take a break from NBA midseason doldrums to clock-in to the NCAA tournament, brackets and parlays locked and loaded. For the people who make – and consume – YouTube videos about 17-year-old overseas point guards. For the real sickos. My people.
The idea for this piece was borne in the dark times of Knicks fandom, when the draft was one of the lone sources of hope. For the uninitiated, these began as a two-part roast of the 2019 draft class, where my Knicks were scheduled for a top-five pick. The second was a deranged close to the never-ending pandemic draft cycle of 2020. The third roasted the late first-rounders of 2021. Finally, we provided helpful but hilarious comparisons for the 2022 class and 2023 class.
Testimonials from past readers on Reddit and X include:
I'm unfamiliar with this website but I like the name and the comps are hilarious.
-Leepycallywag
This might actually be the best use of player comps I’ve seen on a draft board. Wayyy more helpful then the bullshit three names you get from ***
– UserDeleted😭😭😭😭WHY'D YOU DO RENALDO BALKMAN LIKE THIS?!
- KjaySlim
The draft article I anticipate the most every year
- terranovanoah
Retweeting this because I see a lot of people doing it so it means it must be good- nymoonburn1
FYI: Each bullet point, first to last, corresponds to a high-end outcome (a really good and unlikely career), a medium-level outcome (much more likely), and low-end outcome (unlucky, awful, disappointing). Big shout to some of the people who helped me out with this: Charlie (@klaytheist1) and Tyler (@prospectingNBA), the irreplaceable NBA draft website Swish Theory.
Let the comps commence!
Alex Sarr
High: Jaren Jackson if he spent a year abroad wrangling crocodiles instead of being misused at Michigan State
Medium: We have Chet at Home Holmgren
Low: Prime Perry Jones
Donovan Clingan
High: Knicks centers do the fusion dance
Medium: If Walker Kessler could hold the IC title for 666 days
Low: 15 mpg free trial Hartenstein
Nikola Topić
High: Malnourished Maxey
Medium: T-rex Teague
Low: Washed crypto-scammer Dinwiddie
Rob Dillingham
High: Black Air Force Darius Garland
Medium: What Draft Twitter thought Bones Hyland would be
Low: AS Monaco Kemba Walker
Reed Sheppard
High: White 2024 Donte DiVincenzo
Medium: White Coby White
Low: Lexington Shane Larkin
Ron Holland
High: Who the lamestream media told us RJ Barrett would be
Medium: Ozempic Gerald Wallace
Low: Dorian Finney-Smid
Matas Buzelis
High: Arturas Karnišovas’ Chicago/Lithuania Shawn Marion fever dream
Medium: Reincarnated Tayshaun Prince
Low: Jarred Vanderbilt without Laker fan gas
Kyle Filipowski
High: Refurbished Kevin Love
Medium: Brolic Wario Šarić
Low: Moreyball Brandon Bass
Jared McCain
High: Troy Bolton x Brandin Podziemski
Medium: Tik Tok Tyler Herro
Low: X engagement farmer Payton Pritchard
Isaiah Collier
High: TJ Ford x TJ Watt
Medium: if Ty Lawson had one more growth spurt and many less Chinese strip clubs
Low: Hollywood Greivis Vásquez
Tyler Smith
High: 12-year-old-face Antawn Jamison
Medium: Light feet + LASIK Jalen Smith
Low: The Javale McGee of Bobby Portises
Zaccharie Risacher
High: FIBA Evan Fournier + FIBA Frank Ntilikina fusion
Medium: Contaminated Seine River Paris Olympics Danny Green
Low: Sommelier Svi Mykhailiuk
Dalton Knecht
High: Brooklyn Bridges
Medium: Sentient Tim Hardaway Jr.
Low: White privilege Mickaël Piétrus
Cody Williams
High: Wallace from The Wire x Deni Avdija
Medium: Legacy admission Trevor Ariza
Low: Nepotism Cam Reddish
Stephon Castle
High: Andrew Nembharder
Medium: Saucy Okoro
Low: Souped-up Satoransky
Johnny Furphy
High: Penal colony Parsons
Medium: Made-up name Corey Brewer
Low: Melbourne Matt Barnes
Devin Carter
High: The Wembanyama of Deuce McBrides
Medium: If Gary Payton II thought he was a PG and not a PF
Low: De-accessorized old man Reggie Jackson
DaRon Holmes II
High: Nic Claxton if we reversed the offense and defense but kept his body
Medium: Temu Naz Reid
Low: Mini Kleber
Kel’el Ware
High: “What is it, the BRAIDS?” Porziņģis
Medium: Dereck Lifeless II
Low: Little Rock Alex Len
Ja’Kobe Walter
High: Kevin Martin without seizure-inducing mechanics
Medium: RSCI merchant Anthony Morrow
Low: Melanated Matt Carroll
Tidjane Salaun
High: Louvre Lyles
Medium: Patrique Patterson
Low: Lightly-toasted Sekou Doumboya
Kyshawn George
High: Tissot Tobias Harris
Medium: Toblerone Tobias Harris
Low: Tax evasion Tobias Harris
Zach Edey
High: Post moves Magnus von Magnusson
Medium: Ser Gregor Clegane x Ser Greg Monroe
Low: OVO Rik Smits
Bub Carrington
High: Crab cake Cade
Medium: Morey-pilled Warriors Shaun Livingston
Low: Sasha Vujachuck
Tyler Kolek
High: The Paul Wall of Mike Conleys
Medium: Analytics hardware upgrade Darren Collison
Low: Narragansett Napier
Ryan Dunn
High: Dun language Mobb-phonics Jon Isaacs
Medium: John Wick Jared Jeffries
Low: Nassau County Ntilikina
