The most magical season of all . . .

Good morning, dorks. It’s the most wonderful time of the year – welcome to the Fifth Annual (Jesus Christ!) Disrespectful Draft Comparisons. 

My goal with these is always, above all else, to make dumb jokes while providing some back-of-the-napkin sales pitch insight into who different NBA prospects might become. However,  unlike a lot of what I write, it’s not “just” for Knicks fans. It’s my happy love letter to the rest of you weirdos who love hypothesizing about the future of the NBA, regardless of which teams you root for. For y’all who every year take a break from NBA midseason doldrums to clock-in to the NCAA tournament, brackets and parlays locked and loaded. For the people who make – and consume – YouTube videos about 17-year-old overseas point guards. For the real sickos. My people.

The idea for this piece was borne in the dark times of Knicks fandom, when the draft was one of the lone sources of hope. For the uninitiated, these began as a two-part roast of the 2019 draft class, where my Knicks were scheduled for a top-five pick. The second was a deranged close to the never-ending pandemic draft cycle of 2020. The third roasted the late first-rounders of 2021. Finally, we provided helpful but hilarious comparisons for the 2022 class and 2023 class. 

Testimonials from past readers on Reddit and X include:

I'm unfamiliar with this website but I like the name and the comps are hilarious. 

-Leepycallywag

This might actually be the best use of player comps I’ve seen on a draft board. Wayyy more helpful then the bullshit three names you get from ***
– UserDeleted

😭😭😭😭WHY'D YOU DO RENALDO BALKMAN LIKE THIS?!
- KjaySlim

The draft article I anticipate the most every year
- terranovanoah

Retweeting this because I see a lot of people doing it so it means it must be good 

- nymoonburn1

FYI: Each bullet point, first to last, corresponds to a high-end outcome (a really good and unlikely career), a medium-level outcome (much more likely), and low-end outcome (unlucky, awful, disappointing). Big shout to some of the people who helped me out with this: Charlie (@klaytheist1) and Tyler (@prospectingNBA), the irreplaceable NBA draft website Swish Theory.

Let the comps commence!

Alex Sarr

• High: Jaren Jackson if he spent a year abroad wrangling crocodiles instead of being misused at Michigan State 

• Medium: We have Chet at Home Holmgren

• Low: Prime Perry Jones

Donovan Clingan

• High: Knicks centers do the fusion dance

• Medium: If Walker Kessler could hold the IC title for 666 days

• Low: 15 mpg free trial Hartenstein

Nikola Topić

• High: Malnourished Maxey

• Medium: T-rex Teague

• Low: Washed crypto-scammer Dinwiddie

Rob Dillingham

• High: Black Air Force Darius Garland

• Medium: What Draft Twitter thought Bones Hyland would be

• Low: AS Monaco Kemba Walker

Reed Sheppard

• High: White 2024 Donte DiVincenzo

• Medium: White Coby White

• Low: Lexington Shane Larkin

Ron Holland

• High: Who the lamestream media told us RJ Barrett would be  

• Medium: Ozempic Gerald Wallace

• Low: Dorian Finney-Smid

Matas Buzelis

• High: Arturas Karnišovas’ Chicago/Lithuania Shawn Marion fever dream

• Medium:  Reincarnated Tayshaun Prince

• Low: Jarred Vanderbilt without Laker fan gas

Kyle Filipowski

• High: Refurbished Kevin Love  

• Medium: Brolic Wario Šarić 

• Low: Moreyball Brandon Bass

Jared McCain

• High: Troy Bolton x Brandin Podziemski

• Medium: Tik Tok Tyler Herro

• Low: X engagement farmer Payton Pritchard

Isaiah Collier

• High: TJ Ford x TJ Watt

• Medium: if Ty Lawson had one more growth spurt and many less Chinese strip clubs

• Low: Hollywood Greivis Vásquez

Tyler Smith

• High: 12-year-old-face Antawn Jamison

• Medium: Light feet + LASIK Jalen Smith

• Low: The Javale McGee of Bobby Portises

Zaccharie Risacher

• High: FIBA Evan Fournier + FIBA Frank Ntilikina fusion   

• Medium: Contaminated Seine River Paris Olympics Danny Green

• Low: Sommelier Svi Mykhailiuk

Dalton Knecht

• High: Brooklyn Bridges 

• Medium: Sentient Tim Hardaway Jr.

• Low:  White privilege Mickaël Piétrus

Cody Williams

• High: Wallace from The Wire x Deni Avdija

• Medium: Legacy admission Trevor Ariza

• Low: Nepotism Cam Reddish

Stephon Castle

• High: Andrew Nembharder

• Medium: Saucy Okoro

• Low: Souped-up Satoransky

Johnny Furphy

• High: Penal colony Parsons

• Medium: Made-up name Corey Brewer

• Low: Melbourne Matt Barnes

Devin Carter

• High: The Wembanyama of Deuce McBrides

• Medium: If Gary Payton II thought he was a PG and not a PF 

• Low: De-accessorized old man Reggie Jackson

DaRon Holmes II

• High: Nic Claxton if we reversed the offense and defense but kept his body

• Medium: Temu Naz Reid

• Low: Mini Kleber

Kel’el Ware

• High: “What is it, the BRAIDS?” Porziņģis

• Medium: Dereck Lifeless II

• Low: Little Rock Alex Len

Ja’Kobe Walter

• High: Kevin Martin without seizure-inducing mechanics

• Medium: RSCI merchant Anthony Morrow

• Low: Melanated Matt Carroll

Tidjane Salaun

• High: Louvre Lyles

• Medium: Patrique Patterson 

• Low: Lightly-toasted Sekou Doumboya

Kyshawn George

• High: Tissot Tobias Harris

• Medium:  Toblerone Tobias Harris

• Low: Tax evasion Tobias Harris

Zach Edey

• High: Post moves Magnus von Magnusson

• Medium: Ser Gregor Clegane x Ser Greg Monroe

• Low: OVO Rik Smits

Bub Carrington

• High: Crab cake Cade

• Medium: Morey-pilled Warriors Shaun Livingston

• Low:  Sasha Vujachuck

Tyler Kolek

• High: The Paul Wall of Mike Conleys

• Medium: Analytics hardware upgrade Darren Collison 

• Low: Narragansett Napier 

Ryan Dunn

• High: Dun language Mobb-phonics Jon Isaacs

• Medium: John Wick Jared Jeffries

• Low: Nassau County Ntilikina