For those not familiar with the source material, this article is a Knicks-centric riff of the song Guilty Conscience by Eminem. Trigger warning: even though the linked video is censored, it’s still early-2000s Eminem and features some less-than-savory themes.

Narrator: Meet Leon. 59 years old. 

Fed up with losing and the way things are going, he decides to trade up for LaMelo Ball. But on the way to the podium, he has a change of heart. 

And suddenly, his conscience comes into play… 

Dre: Alright stop, now before you trade up to four, throw Mitch out the door and next year’s pick in for sure, you gotta think of the consequence

(Who are you?)

Dre: I’m your motherfucking draft sense

Eminem: That’s nonsense, go in after LaMelo and run to some of the media

And borrow a damn mic tell ’em a star’s here

Tell them the day is saved, you’ll be safe for days if he doesn’t shoot those damn spray-and-prays

Dre: Yeah but if he doesn’t fill out like he’s supposed to 

The whole internet loves Poku 

And they’ll expose you

Think about if before you trade Mitch first

Look at his defense, it’s worse than Trey Burke’s

Eminem: Fuck that, do that shit, take that kid

Can you afford to blow this shit? Is he a star, Mitch?

Why you give a fuck about D, are you Memphis?

Do you really think MSG gives a fuck about the next pick?

Dre: Man don’t do it it’s not worth it to risk it 

Not over this shit

Have a biscuit

Don’t even listen to Stephen A, man, he’s bad for you

Eminem: You know what Dre, I don’t like your attitude

Narrator: Meet Obi. 22 years old. After a couple of years at Dayton, he’s turned into the biggest star in college basketball. Things start getting hot and heavy with Leon in a draft Zoom. And suddenly, our conscience comes into play…

Eminem: Now listen to me, while Randle’s playing no D and spinning to nowhere

Add this kid and you’ll see

Now all you gotta do is let Obi’s defense take hold

Dre: Yo, this dude’s 22 years old

You can’t expect that of him, it’s not fair

Eminem: Yo, look at his hops, can he get air? 

Get this dude right here to your Garden lair

Till we put up 140 and we forget about win shares

Dre: Man ain’t you seen the high hips on this dude

No, but I’ve seen his dunks, they’re on YouTube

You wanna get laughed off and fail

Eminem: Man fuck that, take the money run back to CAA and bail

Narrator: Meet Killian. Coming overseas after a long few years of putting in work in Europe, he arrives to find NBA GM’s enamored with another point guard. (WHAT THE FUCK.)

Dre: Alright Rose, calm down, start breathing

Eminem: Fuck that shit, you just caught these dudes sleeping

While he’s at work they took some dude who can’t get his shot off

Fuck just drafting him, let this dude go off!

Dre: Wait, what if there’s an explanation for this shit?

Eminem: What, they tripped, fell, and forgot all his clips?

Dre: Alright Em, maybe he’s right, Perrin

But think about RJ before you go all leftin’

Eminem: OK, thought about it, still wanna draft him?

Get those crazy step backs and ill lobs to Robinson?

That’s what Ja did, look at Hayes’ heart

You gonna pass him up for glorified Matt Barnes?

Dre: What you say?

Eminem: What’s wrong? That’s Devin if I remember!

Dre: Ima kill you mothafucka!

Eminem: Ah temper, temper! Mr. Frank-ay, Mr. Draft Day, Mr. We Need a Point Guard y’all better make way

How in the fuck you gonna tell this man not to take Killian

Dre: ‘Cause Vassell’s gonna outperform his contract by millions

Been there, done that

Aw fuck it, what am I saying

Get ‘em both Leon, where the trades at