The Knicks’ house of horrors didn’t disappoint, but after their fifth win in a row we live happily ever after.

Whether facing Michael Jordan, Corey Benjamin or Coby White, New York Knicks games in Chicago are like every level of Hell smushed into one, a turducken of tribulations. They were eliminated in Chicago in the playoffs in 1989, 1992, 1993 and 1996. In 1999, a Bulls team that’d win 13 games all year held the Knicks to five points in the second quarter of a win; two years later, a 9-47 Chicago squad was victorious over New York thanks to allowing just 27 second-half points. That’s the thing: there are other franchises the Knicks have historically struggled with, but none of the rest make Knickerbocker futility quite so . . . futile. 

So what to feel after the Big Apple’s blue and orange brigade came to the Second City, played 5-on-8 for a while, looked damned to defeat, yet pulled out a 128-120 overtime win? It felt like going to Hell and back, all in 53 minutes. Still, better to rule in hell than see your winning streak snapped, so let’s look for what light we can find to cut the shadows. 

LIMBO

Limbo is a state between states, neither Hell nor Heaven, an apt metaphor for a team that came into the night 13th in points scored and 14th in points against and is now 93-89 under Tom Thibodeau. Though Limbo is part of Perdition, it’s the nice part – the West Hempstead of Hell, if you will. In Dante’s story he’s stunned at some of the famous historical figures he meets there. The Knicks have a lot of talent, too. Two who stood tall last night were Jalen Brunson and Mitchell Robinson.

Brunson put up 30 points and seven assists on terrific shooting from everywhere, the first Knick to do so three times in a season in 15 years, but don’t let the sizzle distract you from the steak. Every Knick fan watching this game could see all signs pointed to them blowing the game late, and God knows they tried. But these Knicks weren’t led by Mark Jackson or Charlie Ward or Rick Brunson, but by Jalen. A point guard who can score and dish, won’t turn the ball over in a hostile environment and has the patience and POV to treat three seconds left on the shot clock like there’s 10 before finding the open man for three is proof of God’s love. And Brunson’s sizzle is easy on the ears and eyes.

LUST 

The second circle of Hell features furious wind storms, an homage to the sweeping passions of lechers and adulterers. Quoth Virgil: “To this torment are condemned the carnal damned, those for whom desire conquered reason.” Which brings us to the latest episode of TRL – Thibodeau Request Live. What’s today’s request for Coach?

I got one, Thibs. No one doubts your passion for winning. But does the ends justify the means? Julius Randle went off early and often in this one; by halftime he had 18, including eight made free throws. After the entr’acte, others were ready for their spotlight: Brunson scored 18 the rest of the way and RJ Barrett added 12 in that same spell. 

Yet late in the fourth and into overtime, the Knicks, who’d shot well all night long, went into their shell. For at least five minutes every Knick possession was Randle holding the ball at the top of the paint, guarded by Alex “Caillou” Caruso, Randle dribbling into the teeth of the defense, Randle either suffocating the set or whirling his way to a baseline fadeaway fated to fail.

I don’t doubt Thibodeau wants to win as much or more than anyone who roots for this team. But sometimes, changing things up, even changing partners, is the spice of life. Doesn’t have to be betrayal, if the trust and safety words are in place. Just because Randle is often your best first-half scorer doesn’t mean he’s the only boy you’re allowed to talk when things get  late-and-close. There are other people! Exhibit A: tonight’s backbreaking bucket didn’t come from Randle, Brunson or RJ, but one who is often open thanks to that trinity.

GLUTTONY 

The third level, Gluttony, is guarded by Cerberus, best known as the three-headed hound of Hell. Speaking of three dogs, the refs in this game were a fucking joke. I’m trying to curse less, ‘cuz reasons, and if patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels then ripping the officials is a close second. But Jeez Louise, this was like . . . 

OK, remember NBA Jam? It was a 2-on-2 video game 30 years ago that basically prophesied where the NBA was headed; all the scoring was pretty much threes and dunks. NBA Jam was one of the first games I remember that obviously (and heavily) used computer assistance to ensure tight games. If you went up 10, your players would mysteriously begin turning the ball over; sharpshooters began clanging wide-open looks; your opponent suddenly couldn’t miss from deep. It was clear the game was programmed to artifically maintain a close score, I guess to keep things competitive and therefore interesting to the end. It could be annoying to see unfold in a video game. Watching it live last night, the refs did everything short of fouling the Knicks themselves to help the Bulls to the win.

GREED

Dante describes those tormented in the fourth level of Hell as being literally weighed down by material possessions. If Sartre was right and Hell is other people, then Dante wouldn’t have had to look far to see Artūras Karnišovas and Billy Donovan, two men whose futures in the NBA are in large part tied to the play of Zach LaVine. LaVine injured his left knee last year, had offseason surgery and hasn’t looked the same since. Could be the still only 27-year-old just needs time and patience to get back to where he was before his troubles. For Chicago’s showrunners, the problem is while they’re crossing their fingers hoping Zach is back sooner than later, the franchise’s largest financial obligation could be? keep? losing trade value.

ANGER 

Last week I started having terrible mouth pain. After days of every dentist I called either not taking state insurance or not taking new patients, I finally found an urgent-care clinic. The dental assistant I saw, Kim, told me a friend of hers was shot nine times and killed yesterday. He’s the sixth person she’s lost in the last six months. Rochester had the fifth-highest homicide rate in the U.S. last year. 

It doesn’t matter what kind of gun laws the state passes, not as long as the NRA is free to pay off the invertebrate slimes who care more about re-election than dead American children rotting in the ground. My suggestion: consider shooting at someone from the NRA. You don’t have to hit them; legally, it’s best not to. Just close enough to scare them. If that fails, dig up a corpse and throw bits of it at them. It doesn’t even need to be a shooting victim. Any dead will do. Since obvious standards of human decency don’t move them, you’re gonna have to think outside the box here.

Kim deserves better. So do the dead, and the living. If these ghouls care that much about money, let them choke on it. Lay coins on their eyes, cram bills down their throats and see what they make of Hell’s fifth level. 

HERESY

Virgil reports seeing Jesus come to Hell, saying “The deep foul valley trembled . . . I thought that the universe felt love.” This is eerily similar to the Miles McBride Experience in Chicago: a divine character staging a short but unmistakably meaningful cameo. Only 14 minutes for McBride, but bear in mind he only played that many in 14 of his first 51 games. He’s now done so the past five, coincidentally all wins. He took two 3-pointers, made them both, and kept giving us reasons to give thanks he’s one of ours. I don’t know what the opponent thinks when he’s harassing their guys for 94 feet, but for the Knicks it’s all love.

VIOLENCE

This level includes the Phlegethon, a river of boiling blood where those who committed violence against their fellow humans spend eternity. I mention this only to point out that against all reason and divine intellect, Henry Kissinger and Dick Cheney are both still alive. For now. 

FRAUD

What to make of these Knicks a third of the way through the season? Is somewhere around .500, somewhere near the playoff/play-in divide, about right? Are they frauds, their record inflated by an improbable string of games against teams missing their best player(s)?

What if the teams behind New York are the frauds? Indiana has been a pleasant surprise; you ready to anoint them as having arrived? No matter how great a coach Erik Spoelstra may be, how long can Miami keep themselves upright with grindhouse vets and undrafted free agents? Kyle Lowry is 36 and looks it. Jimmy Butler, 33, has missed a third of their games. That’s $66M to two players who are both cornerstones and question marks. Atlanta hasn’t done much of note since beating the Knicks in the playoffs two years ago, Trae Young’s shooting percentages are down and the heat on Nate McMillan is up. Toronto’s still trying to break .500 and have won one more playoff series than New York the past three years. Other than the Pacers, these teams are all considered superior to the Knicks. We’ll have to wait and see.   

TREACHERY     

This was an unusually close game throughout. The Bulls never led by more than a single point, yet between the refs giving them every call, RJ fouling out and our general lack of familiarity with what winning basketball looks like, it was easy for Knick fans to lose sight of the fact that Chicago’s been one of the league’s worst crunch-time teams, routinely losing games down the homestretch. It looks like the Knicks were able to get themselves well while continuing the Bulls’ misery, yes? Oh, sweet summer child. He works in mysterious ways.

If you really wanted Knick fans to suffer, you’d want them to feel relieved as long as possible before turning the tables on them. Guess who their next game is against? These same Bulls, in this same nightmare realm, Friday night. I can’t imagine the Knicks winning two games in three nights in a place they can’t seem to win twice in three years. It’s diabolical, really, if you think about it – how would a demon keep the torture fresh? By playing with the tension and slack between hope and suffering. Sure, the Knicks could have easily lost a heartbreaker last night. By winning, our hopes climb a bit before Friday . . . meaning a loss would be an even longer fall from grace. If there’s one thing Hell’s seen, it’s long falls. Tune in then, heathens.