The Knicks cruise to victory over Team Titanic

Six years into “The Process,” the 76ers had something to show for it: consecutive 50-win seasons and a pair of young All-Stars in Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons to pair with four-time All-Star Jimmy Butler. That was a different time and a wildly different lottery system, but classical NBA physics have always dictated what goes down must – eventually – go up. These days, the Spurs stink and land Victor Wembanyama. The Jazz have Lauri Markkanen. Even the Hornets, the Energizer Bunny of sucking, can point to LaMelo Ball as a light in the dark.

On the other hand, even before their 128-98 loss to the Knicks last night – the rare case of a 30-point loss that was nowhere near that close – the Detroit Pistons have been the dark matter of the Association for six years and counting. In space, dark matter behaves nothing like traditional matter: it doesn’t absorb, reflect or emit light. Same with the Pistons: time passes, lottery picks accumulate while they depreciate, coaches are scapegoated and turned over, and still no star to wish upon. No light; just more tunnel.

The Knicks could have played the winless Jazz last night, or St. John’s, or the New York Liberty’s practice squad and gotten a better game than they did from a shit team run by a shit owner in an arena named after shit pizza. New York was up 26 in a first quarter of such seamless, easy ecstasy that watching felt like stepping from the beach into the Caribbean Sea, with the added bliss of its warm waters being infused with Xanax. This may have been the easiest win of the 2,977 in Knick history: it took them less than 10 minutes to go up 20, while Detroit spent the final 80% of the “contest” never closer than 22.

There were individual Knicks worth commending, but the blowout was the story of the night. There are more stars in space than grains of sand on Earth, but greater than both were how many ways the Knicks expressed their dominance while the Pistons expressed their anal glands. We’ll limit them to eight. Eight is enough.          

• The Knicks tripled the Pistons up in the first quarter, 39-13. There can’t have been too many first quarters in Knicks history or league history where one team tripled up the other. Literally it’s like the Pistons made one free throw every minute while the Knicks drilled a three every 60 seconds, then snuck in one more at the buzzer. If the first quarter were wiped from the history books, the Knicks still would have won.

• The Knicks were up 104-74 entering the fourth. If they’d sent out Cole Aldrich, Lou Amundson, Qyntel Woods, Ronnie Brewer and Chris Smith and scored zero points, they still would have won by six.

• In the first quarter the Knicks made nearly as many threes (4) as the Pistons did total baskets (6).

• Not only did every Piston who played in the opening frame have a plus/minus in the red, those negatives were all at least double their minutes played – a commitment to un-excellence even the hapless Raiders could admire.

• Jalen Brunson outscored the Pistons by himself in the first quarter. OG Anunoby nearly did. Not sure how often the league has seen two players outscore a team in one quarter, but if that rarity took physical form it’d be a collector’s item.

• After 12 minutes the Knicks had 10 assists and but one turnover. The Pistons had two dimes and seven giveaways. That’s almost unbelievable. And lest you think the Knicks were channeling Nolan Richardson’s pressing, trapping 40-minutes-of-hell . . . nope. Detroit was down 49-17 with more turnovers than baskets. You do it yourself/Just you/And that’s why it rea-lly hurts . . .

• It took the Knicks 4:30 to score more than 13 points. The Pistons didn’t get there till the second quarter. 

• This might be my favorite stat of the night: the Pistons somehow, improbably even for them, could not string two positive possessions together for the entire first quarter. They never made two shots in a row – not once. Their first four baskets were all followed by turnovers. But wait! It gets worse: if we define negative possessions as misses and turnovers, the Pistons had eight such streaks in the first quarter.

So yes, eight was enough last night. Maybe the Pistons need to get up to eight lost years before someone’s finally had it – their fans; the basketball gods; the skeletal remains of owner Tom Gores’ long-dead conscience. More likely they’ll draft two more athletic non-shooters and fire J.B. Bickerstaff in 2026 for not fitting a square peg in a non-hole. They haven’t beaten the Knicks since 2019. They don’t look likely to anytime soon.

New York won’t get another game this easy for the rest of their lives – not that you’d know it, looking at their playing time. Josh Hart, who’d be pushing nightly quadruple-doubles if the NBA tracked grimaces, played 37 minutes. Four starters got 30+. A glance at the box scores of Tyler Kolek and Jacob Toppin might have you thinking there was five minutes of garbage time, but don’t get it twisted — garbage time was all 48. Next game is Monday in Houston. Knicks/Rockets games are always weird, off-the-wall affairs. And they’re always games, too. So in one way, at least, Monday will be nothing like last night.