History gets what history deserves.

The regular season has ended, and anytime something ends — whether a rewatch of The Sopranos, a toxic relationship or YOUR LIFE — it’s a good idea to reflect.

That’s why The Strickland asked me to look back at their preseason roundtable and “roast” their takes. I’ll be honest. This is a bad idea. First of all, roasts suck. How many times do I need to see Jeffrey Ross put on a fedora and talk shit about Paris Hilton? Second of all, I’m a peaceful man, one who’s been meditating for years and taken enough psychedelics to know that we are all one.

But since we are all one, who am I to deny the request of another version of me? Albeit one with horribly inaccurate basketball predictions (I’m talking about @shwinnypooh). Below you’ll find the questions asked in the preseason roundtable along with excerpts from the worst answers provided by this website’s “experts.” We’re doing this Fire Joe Morgan style, which means you’ll find my italicized comments (I’m James) underneath each terrible take. Let’s get to it.

Who will the Knicks’ MVP be this season? Who are you most worried about not delivering up to par?

Shwinnypooh: I’m sure that Brunson or RJ will be racking up the votes–

James Marceda: Guess again, fuckface! RJ sucks now and everyone hates him. Especially YOU!

Shwin: –but I’m going to go ahead and pick Mitchell Robinson for MVP. 

James: Great call. MVPs always have usage rates under 10 and a shot chart that looks like the eye of Sauron.

Shwin: Oh, and watch out if he keeps hitting free throws at a reasonable clip.

James: Is 48.4% reasonable?

Sam Gedeon: RJ has looked really good in preseason and if that’s forreal, then he and Brunson can be co-MVPs happily. 

James: If this take is forreal then you and Shwin can be co-owners of THE WORST TAKE I’VE EVER SEEN!

Geoff Rasmussen AKA FrankBarrett119: MVP will be RJ Barrett. It’s time–

James: No it’s not.

Geoff: The leap that we have all been waiting on is about to happen. And it will be beautiful. 

James: Beautiful like the dancing plastic bag in American Beauty, AKA NOT BEAUTIFUL AT ALL AND REALLY FUCKING STUPID! GOD THAT MOVIE SUCKS!

Alex Wolfe: ...I actually started finding Evan Fournier's offensive role with the starters to be pretty interesting by the end of preseason...

James: You know what I find pretty interesting? Actually? That the Editor-in-Chief of this website DOESN’T KNOW BALL!

Who will take the biggest step this year among Obi, IQ and Grimes?

Shwinnypooh: Obi. 

James: Great take… FOR ME TO SHWINNYPOOP ON!

Drew: I’m with Shwin on this one. 

James: You would be.

Alex: Obi... he's going to electrify every time he hits the floor.

James: Kinda like how it’s electrifying to whiz on an electric fence. Shouts to Ren and Stimpy (but not to its pedophile creator [allegedly]).

Sam: ...based off of preseason alone, it seems like it’s Obi. He looks every bit of the part. 

James: And you look every bit the part… OF A CLOWN!!!

Who will be the best Knick off the bench?

Geoff: Derrick Rose if he stays healthy.

James:

Alex: It's still Obi.

James: You’re still dumb.

Sam: The conglomerate of Obi and IQ will be the best Knick.

James: Way to waffle, you fucking coward.

What will be the Knicks’ record?

Drew: 38–44. What? Thibs and Randle are still on the roster.

James: You mean two-time All-Star and bounce-back player of the year Julius Randle? Stick to volleyball, pal.

Dallas Amico AKA Basketball Robot: I think the Knicks will be above .500 – they played like a .500 team last year with Thibs failing to maximize the roster, 37 games of Kemba Walker, Julius Randle struggling, and about 25 games of Mitch being out of shape. We also were one of the worst teams in high leverage situations, and I think Jalen Brunson will make a difference there. Finally, I also expect development from RJ, IQ, Mitch, Obi, and Grimes and regression (to the good!) from Randle. The East is a lot better this year–

James: Jesus Christ, Dallas. Shut the fuck UP and give us a number already.

Sam: 37–45... same reasons as Drew. 

James: Maybe next time don’t steal your takes from the guy who thinks Common is a better rapper than Biggie.

Who will lead the Knicks in scoring?

Derek Reifer: RJ Barrett. From the second half of last season through the preseason to an even bigger extent, he appears to finally be the focal point of the team’s offense. 

James: Got any investment advice for me, Derek? I’m looking to flush my daughter’s college savings DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN!

Dallas: RJ Barrett. LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOO.

James: See what happens when you try to be a man of the people? Go back to your ivory tower, nerd.

Geoff: RJ Barrett.

James: I’m running out of ways to say RJ Barrett sucks.

Alex: RJ Barrett.

James: How many ugly Strickland hoodies did RJ Barrett buy from you guys? This is getting ridiculous.

(Editor’s note: Buy your Quickland merch here!)

Sam: RJ. It seems he’s picked the low-hanging fruit from years prior to bump up that scoring average.

James: Your mom picks low hanging fruit.

Will the Knicks eventually trade Cam Reddish, and if so, what for?

Shwinnypooh: I’m actually going to go ahead and say no.

James: [Guido voice] Take a look at Nostradamus ovaheah!

Do the Knicks make a big trade to consolidate for a star or simply a rotation upgrade in season?

Drew: The Suns are going to blow it up midseason and Devin Booker will become a New York Knick. Book it!

James: This is probably a joke, but when you’re as unfunny as Drew it’s tough to tell sometimes.

What is your biggest concern with Thibs going into this season?

Derek: His inability to catalyze offense for the team.

James: According to Cleaning the Glass, the Knicks have the second-most efficient offense in the league. According to NBA.com, they’re tied for third. According to me, this take smells worse than my asshole (I have a smelly asshole).

Stacy Patton: Will he let the Knicks play fast? Every single player on this team (ESPECIALLY Julius Randle) is much more effective when they can attack still-adjusting defenses. 

James: The Knicks played at the fifth-slowest pace in the league while being one of the most efficient offenses, as previously stated. It’s almost like YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!

What constitutes a successful season for the Knicks this year and do you believe they will meet those targets?

Drew: Besides trading Randle and firing Thibs–

James: 0-for-2 so far…

Drew: – Barrett having efficiency improvements.

James: Steeeriiiiiiiiiiike three! Get the fuck back in the dugout, loser!

What will be the biggest positive surprise?

Shwinnypooh: Quentin Grimes moves into the starting lineup over Evan Fournier by the end of November.

James: Even the sun shines on a dog’s ass some days.

Stacy: What Shwin said and also Randle being able to fit in as a third option next to Brunson and Randle.  

James: Great job copyediting here, guys. I, too, wondered whether Randle would take a backseat to Randle. Turns out he wouldn’t, though, as he clocked the highest usage rate on the team.

Drew: RJ Barrett is going to break Evan Fournier’s 3-point field goals made record.

James: How does this guy still have a job here?

Geoff: Randle posts career high AST:TOV rate.

James: Fourth-highest of his illustrious, ball-dominant career. Nice try, though. NEXT QUESTION!

What will be the biggest negative surprise?

Shwinnypooh: Isaiah Hartenstein impresses individually, but the bench group performs better on both ends with Jericho Sims.

James: Why do you hate Germans?

Derek: RK’s defense was a disturbing trend last season. 

James: I stared at this for 30 seconds before realizing Derek meant RJ. Another great moment in Strickland copyediting history. At least he realized RJ can’t defend my mom.

Drew: No one is going to learn how to play or use Hartenstein and he’ll fall out of the rotation.

James: Is this English?

Geoff: Fournier starts the entire season.

James:

Which Knick will show the most improvement?

Dallas: Might be RJ, might be IQ, might be Obi, might be Mitch, very well might be Brunson... definitely WILL NOT be Grimes. 

James: You’re fired.

Drew: It’s going to be Obi Toppin. 

James: So are you.

Geoff: RJ Barrett.

James: NOPE!

Alex: Still Obi!

James: Still wrong!

Sam: I am also on the Obi hype train. 

James: Nailed it again, Sam. 

If you could make one (reasonable) trade right now for the Knicks, what would it be (no, trading Julius Randle does not count as reasonable)?

Derek: Poach Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (and Derrick Favors) from the Thunder for Derrick Rose, Evan Fournier, Jericho Sims, Cam Reddish, three unprotected first-round picks, and a first-round pick swap.

James: What fucking planet do you live on?

Alex: I'd trade Rose, Cam, and Fournier to the Lakers for Russell Westbrook and at least a first and a handful of seconds, but I'd ask for two firsts. 

James: Surprised the Lakers didn’t jump all over this completely fair and not-at-all one-sided trade.

Shwinnypooh: Cam, Fournier, a top-five protected 2024 pick, plus two additional protected firsts for Keldon Johnson.

James: I, too, would give up all my picks for poor man’s Dejounte Murray. Shocked the Knicks didn’t make this happen.

How well do you think this roundtable will age?

Drew: Not well at all.

James: At least you’re vaguely self aware.

Dallas: Shwin’s predictions, specifically, will not age well. 

James: Another decent take. Weird that the only thing the Strickland staff got right was knowing how dumb they are.

Alex: Terribly, as always.

James: Correct.

Shwinnypooh: DallASS imo.

James: Also correct.

Sam: I hope in terms of team success they age horribly, but for player development I hope they age like fine wine. 

James: Shut up.

And that’s that! Like I said, this kind of hating doesn’t come naturally to me, so if my “roast” falls flat for you, blame the guy who asked me to do this (your mom).